Yonder Journal

Yuba River, 3:45 PM

Down by the river on the south bank, under the train trestle bridge type deal over by the MX park at the bottom of the low hills all dusty and tore up by moto trails and 4X4 roads, Yubans recreate. They ride horses, swim, float, fish, rope swing, dive, play volleyball (water polo?) half in the water half on the beach, dirt bike, 4-wheel, tan, do target practice on bottles with rocks, picnic, party, love make, experiment, litter, masturbate, etc. Its dusty and rocky and kinda gnarly but whatever because its a miniature riparian redneck wonderland located less than a mile from downtown Yuba City.

Walking down the sidewalk near the corner of 7th and Broadway a ​toothless cigarette-smoking lady asks Keiran (we're walking side by side), "Where's your tie-dye? He's dressed to chill." Lady points to my​ shorts and laughs. Thing is, I think she says, "he's dressed to kill." Because she's old and that expression would be generationally appropriate. Whereas ​"​​d​resse​d​ to ​c​hill​"​ doesn't make sense from an old white lady. Bu​t​ this IS an old white lady living in Chico, the 4:20 ​ and "chill"​ capital of the world.​ Keiran and I funsies debate/argue about what she said for the next 17 minutes.​

Last night we stayed at the Matador Hotel. The check-in lady asked if we wanted a carpeted or tiled room. I looked at the two 170-pound Bull Mastiffs at her fee​t​ and said, "Tile please." ​In spite of our on-the-fly deductive reasoning and decisive decision making skills, it appears, we may still have fleas.

Pulled over, told I was going 70, I said no I wasn't. He said, "I'm not here to argue with you, I'm here to write you a ticket." Fuck you Plumas County.

It's raining and steaming and generally misty.​

Whichever m​odel train landscape and "nature" ​diorama ​designer-artist set the tone for what would become the "Gold Standard" for model train landscape and nature diorama artifacts clearly modeled his natural wonders, their color, shape and texture, after actual subalpine and alpine environments/microclimates in Lassen National Park.​

Hahahahaha.

Lassen Peak Trail parking lot, ​which was built for​ like​ 500​+​ cars, is​ empty ​except for​ for two motorcycle couples ​ standing under a restroom awning​​ ringing out there clothes and boots​. "My hands are fricking freezing, Bob!"

Conducted a post-summer rainstorm photographic inventory of Summit Lake Campground North (loops B and C only).

Delivered Geopackage to Friend of Yonder (FOY) and Mythical State of Jefferson Expert and Night 18 Gracious Host Mike Cherney.

Outside the Library Combination Police Department there is a trail worn rottweiler tied to a well used expedition sized backpack left on the sidewalk next to the front door.​

While negotiating a portrait of five senior citizens on the beach at Trinidad State Park, their only question to me was (verbatim): "Will this go Viral?"

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Mental illness increase’s a person’s capacity to deal with extreme hot and cold temperatures.

Potential Ground Score Observed (PGSO): Like-new Monster Energy FlexFit baseball cap spotted on the side of the highway. Though equipped for a variety of challenging road/off-road conditions, our Toyo tire-equipped Toyota 4Runner is unable to surmount the highway divider. To the best of our knowledge this pristine Monster Energy FlexFit remains up for grabs.

The smell of Sacramento is the smell of Arby’s.

CSF staff names each of it’s onsite golf carts after famous people from Sacramento - #65 is Tom Hanks, #54 is Faber from the cookware Fabers. #itsthebest

CSF uses a divide and conquer social media game, #itsthebest for the playful and irreverent and #CSstatefair for the straight-laced business types. YJ postulates that an in-depth study stemming from the usage of these hashtags could be used to predict concession demand, carnival game participation, and teen pregnancy. #itsthebest

Yonder Journal Associate Development Information (YJADI): Fancy cameras in combination with a knowing confidence will get you media passes in 98% of media pass request situations. #itsthebest

If you were to bottle the smell of the CSF to sell to men and women hoping to capture that “fresh from the fair” scent the home perfumer could recreate an approximate facsimile by mixing equal parts vomit and corndog. #itsthebest

The CSF visual motif owes a debt of inspiration to the Hasbro (née Milton Bradley) board game Candyland. #itsthebest

If up to this point in journey our experience of US cultural life could be compared to dial-up internet then the CSF was like walking into Best Buy and experiencing it as a Michael Bay production in full HD through a VR headset while reclining in a full body massage chair drinking Monster Energy infused cocktails. #itsthebest

Keywords for the CSF: sugar, sweat, gnashing, gnawing, jerky, tawny, tan, feet, toes, wrinkles, goatees, tanktops, K-Swiss, corndog, Monster Energy, vomit, sweat, sugar, sweat, sunburn. #itsthebest

Top ranked ride name: “Rockin Tug” #itsthebest

Considering the Sacramento Summer’s long tradition of sunshine and heat YJ feels that the Fair Ground site designers grossly underestimated the amount of shade needed to create a semi-comfortable CSF experience. #itsthebest #itsadryheat

The sad irony of the Michael Jackson-themed bumper car ride called Neverland did not escape our attention. #itsthebest

The Raging Waters water park of Sacramento falls under the 2% of places where fancy cameras and confidence will not get you a media pass. #itsthebest

The annual Milo’s Corndog eating contests establishes two things for Yonder Journal. 1) That Molly Schuyler is in a league of her own when it comes to eating competitions, or what history will refer to as the high hubris of the 21st century, by eating 24 corndogs. 2) By playing “Who let the dogs out” on repeat during the contest Milo’s establishes the YJ song of the day. #itsthebest

If it is socially uncouth for two 6’ tall, 15+ year old boys to be walking through a really crowded CSF each holding the hand of a parent then the family we just witnessed gets the award for flaunting social norms in order to maintain a non-traditional public display of filial love. #itsthebest

“FULL PULL” #itsthebest

After plaguing the YJ #westernrec experience it was both surprising and revelatory that we managed to make it through a day at the CSF with out being subjected to Awolnation’s Sail or any songs by bands with that “Lumineers” sound. #itsthebest

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The IOC continental breakfast coffee has the particular taste of a coffee that has been brewed using pre-used coffee filters purchased at discount rates from the City of Sonora’s other coffee shops. Flavor notes include cardboard, wet cement, high school locker room, and third-world bus.

Quote of the day runner up #1: “A BlackBerry is a like a tinfoil hat for you phone.”—Daniel Pasley

The area of Glory Hole offers travelers a wide variety of amenities including put not limited too; The Glory Hole recreation center, Glory Hole mini storage, the Glory Hole motel, Glory Hole fuel and feed, Glory Hole Tennis Academy, Glory Hole water sports park, Glory Hole Trailer Park and RV, Glory Hole Pizza, and the Glory Hole bath and soak.

After spending two days in Yosemite, gold medal winner of the National Park Olympics, the road from Sonora to Tahoe, though domestically spectacular is not striking enough to refill the experiential joy deficit that we are experiencing post-Yosemite.

Quote of the day: “In a third world country this is called a limousine,”—a wily camper's response to Daniel’s comment on the campers aesthetically pleasing classic Yamaha moped.

We have observed an inordinate amount of t-shirt swimmers in Alpine Lake.

The cabins at Mosquito Lake are the most beautiful lakeside cabins that we have seen so far AND there is a high possibility that an occult-curious hag lives in these cabins, feeding on corpulent German children.

With 24% pitches, this road absolutely must be experienced on a bicycle. Side Note: if you are driving a Dodge Durango painted an unnatural hue of purple, we saw you; you may not know this but we have been doing an in-depth study of the flora and fauna of the Western U.S. and because of this there is no way that we would have mistaken your rubber-wheeled, horn-blaring, deep purple road sled for anything other than what it is.

According to the cashier in the Neon Trees t-shirt, visitors to the Grover Hot Spring State Park can expect to see Cyclists loosening their muscles after tackling some mountain passes and old folks soaking their bones in the spring waters.

We experienced cyclists loosening their muscles and old folks resting their bones. Travelers should note that the changing room located on site is very small and can easily become cramped; this cramping quickly leads to uncomfortable and unforgettable tactile experiences. #bumpinbutts

Product Innovation Observation (PIO): We love swimming, ~~LOVE IT~~, but swimming invariably leads to wet swim trunks and we don’t love driving in wet swim trunks. We also love our Yakima RocketBox, with its slippery aerodynamics and fathomless storage it is a great addition to our travels, but the RocketBox can’t dry our trunks. We propose a PIO of a tight fisherman’s-type net system that can hug our trunks to the Rocket Box to quickly dry them in the rushing air.

“An overzealous flash can ruin everything.”

Quote of the day runner up #2: “Wearing a t-shirt is like putting a holiday sweater on a German Shepherd.”—Emiliano Granado

Tahoe Treats Park Ranger and cashier Lisa once again proves that National Forest employees are a great mix of testy, feisty, and fun. She threw a shaved ice snowball at Daniel, made heavily syruped Sno-Cones, and explained how in life she would like nothing more than to put things that disappoint her, like ex-boyfriends and dinners that didn’t turn out, into a catapult and launch it somewhere, anywhere.

Quote of the day runner up #3: “Get it wrong but get it done.”—Emiliano Granado

Daniel Pasley celebrates his Reno Birthday.

The area located in direct proximity to the Reno “R” is a hotbed of nighttime off-roading and teenage experimentation.

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Daniel pulls a Executive Ball Clicker, otherwise known as Newton’s Cradle, and hammers the 4Runners damaged running board back into shape.

Yonder Journal Public Service Announcement (YJPSA):

Due to budgetary constraints the, United States National Park Service is only able to supply single-ply sanitary paper to campground users.

Yonder Journal observes a wide variety of users displaying a wide variety of unique campground actions. Example: The Rhianna blasting, bottle slamming, peacocking post-teen group serving as an unwanted proxy for a morning cup of Joe.

Observation: In order to avoid a future equipment tanning situation the YJ group runs through a YETI cooler storage and security protocol.

On a warm day Tenaya Lake is a melting pot of multi-cultural outdoor enthusiasm.

#touristtableau

#touristtableau

#touristtableau

#touristtableau

There are absolutely zero circumstances under which you should travel with DivineCharter.com.

"The body needs what the body needs and the body wants what the body wants."

Yonder Journal observes that the Ahwahnee Hotel is doing absolutely nothing to bridge the digital divide.

The Yosemite Wildlife maintains a strict congruency with the American Public in terms of both weight and regard for personal space.

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Daniel observes the instinctual harmony shared between all men when observing Kyle and Emiliano’s wordless and fluid packing-up of the tent.

Mercury, messenger of the Gods, delivers a message of unbearable heat and intense full-spectrum light to our impermanent encampment. Message received.

An unfortunate turn of events forces members of our party to utilize the fairer sex’s restroom. Later, the YJ team is forced to leave prematurely due to a non-stop Lumineers sonic bludgeoning.

We begin our investigation into the picnic table archetype.

Origin Legend: Thunder is just the sound of God driving around in his/her clapped-out Ford 150 kinda drunk at high speed over the washboard roads of heaven. Because God doesn’t need a new truck.

We observe that Fire Crew Bosses are unresponsive to calls from the field while venturing offsite with a roll of toilet paper in hand.

Despite encouraging reviews from lifelong friends, the food at Nellie’s Deli leaves us severely underwhelmed.

Though the campground is full, the Yosemite Park Rangers make an exception and find the Yonder Journal Team a campsite.

We engage in a friendly argument with a Yosemite Park Ranger over the definition of legitimate versus illegitimate. Our argument was legitimate.

"Chili if you do and chili if you don’t."

"We’ll punch it up in post."

Necessary Field Fact: "S'more appears to be a contraction of the phrase "some more". The first recorded version of the recipe can be found in the publication Tramping and Trailing with the Girl Scouts of 1927."

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Daniel observes the instinctual harmony shared between all men when observing Kyle and Emiliano’s wordless and fluid packing-up of the tent.

Every year over 130,000 people visit Hot Creek. Notable dangers include scalding water, arsenic, broken glass, and porky-pigging pony-tailed tawny-skinned overly-hirsute single mature males with a flagrant appetite for aggressive nudity.

Due to the low temperatures of upper hot creek certain members of our party resort to the time-honored “Hobo Slap” technique to cleanse both body and soul.

Observed definitive costume signifiers for Fly Fishing enthusiasts are listed as such. Colors: Sage, Olive Green, Sand, Slate Gray, Fine Taupe, Light Taupe, Medium Taupe, Heavy Taupe, Dark Taupe, Bold Taupe, Gradient Taupe, Swiss Taupe, Austrian Taupe, and of course Traditional Taupe Taupe. Favored Garb includes a functionally ventilated accessory vest, oversized boots, lumbar packs, and a branded location hat.

Reaffirming the idea that "recreation finds you, you don’t find recreation."

Man who never ever ever wants to gain the respect of anyone spotted digging into his toes while sipping on an iced mocha.

Acknowledging that the bathroom in the Mammoth Lakes Subway has been built far too close to the food prep/cash wrap of the very same sandwich shop, if you are using said bathroom in the most forcible way possible and happen to overhear a customer request Extra Mayo, the sound of his voice can cast a considerable pall over the rest of your intimate engagement.

Turgid Vibes.

The sign at the dock clearly states that all who can read it are sportsmen, there is now absolutely no doubt in our minds.

One finger off the steering wheel acknowledgement finger raise from the weathered codger in a silver Civic donning a pith helmet.

Kyle convinces Daniel that heavily washboarded roads are best driven at 40+ miles per hour. We unfortunately dust a women in a Prius who merged on to our path seemingly out of nowhere. We would like to thank our Toyo tires for their speed and apologize for any excess dusting we may have caused our fellow driver.

Kyle revisits the rope swing of his youth and the YJ crew mixes it up with a few locals while getting serious about water entry strategies.

Daniel puts his Toyo-equipped Toyota into 4-Low and gains the peak of a difficult and sandy hill climb.

Emiliano continues to impress with his degree of skill in bushcraft. He time melds elements of Japanese Wabi-Sabi with an Andy Goldsworthy knack for molding nature into a visually stunning and functionally illuminating light stand.

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Ominous in-car gasoline smell prompts Car Fire Evacuation Plan: 1) Grab Shot Film; 2) Leave car out of nearest door; 3) Get away from car.

The 395 has declared a jihad on cell coverage.

The right decision was made to purchase quality milkshakes from the Jolly Kone in Bridgeport, CA. Bridgeport is an exceedingly patriotic town with no less than 26 US flags being easily observable from underneath the Jolly Kone’s candy red awning.

The God of Bridgeport decided to thrash us with ice rocks from its voluminous collection. AKA it Hailed.

The shores of Mono lake are teeming with a lively culture of brine flies who create a swarming visual spectacle that heightens the quality of a tourists lakeside experience.

We can only imagine that these French youngsters are as interested as we are in the Mono Lake salt dumps, more formally called Tufa Towers.¹

Fulfilled a life long dream of riding the Mammoth Mt. Kamikaze on a basket equipped town bike wearing a Smokey The Bear ranger hat.

Yonder Journal recognizes that Coyotes, with their little yips and howls, will try to unsettle the outdoor enthusiast; though ineffectual we applaud their spunk and effort.

Emiliano demonstrates a heretofore unseen bushcraft fire-starting technique that he calls the “Flagrant Flower” but notes that others have called it “the Sputtering Rose, the Prolapsed Ember, or the Flaming Retort.”

Emi once again elicits awe and applause with another ingenious demonstration of bushcraft, this time creating a mono-pole light stand he names the “Shaft of Lumens”.

A decoy light is established to lure insipid and irritating flying night insects away from our camp.

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"Thousand Yard Gaze.”

It could be easily argued that the best observational standpoint for your toddler is not in the direct path of an American flag Speedo’ed rope swinging dynamo—i.e. when DJ Jazzy is going for the overall rope swing distance record, don't stand in the way.

A prolapsed water jug leads to a 2-1/2 hour parking lot equipment tan. Thanks Modern Hotel!

Don’t leave your windows down at a gas station in the one-hour stretch of fecal cattle smell on the road west of Boise because a large number of flies will try to hijack your 4Runner and commandeer your vehicle through tactile irritation.

Certain research may show that the town of Jordan Valley is a hotbed for Basque freedom fighters seeking refuge far from the reach of Spanish authorities.

Rapturous light.

If at all possible give the McDonald’s parking lot in Winnemucca ten minutes of your time. If, and this is a big if, if you get the chance to ask Big Tommy about his “slam-piece” please do. Thanks for the unforgettable memories Big-T.

Those who will devour an ex-roommate's cinnamon raisin bagel in the wee hours of the night fall squarely into two camps: those who will utilize Skippy Extra-Chunky spread or those who will choose Unsalted Pulgra (a bland unsalted European style butter).

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Smelled Ben-Gay, decay, and cigarettes. Sounded like Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls just want to have fun”. The atmosphere was laden with sadness.

We spend 50 dollars a piece for our USFRA (Utah Salt Flats Racing Association) memberships. We’re granted admittance to the Salt Flats and walk across the hallowed grounds of speed.

Met Doug Hendrickson on the Salt Flats. From Tillamook, OR, Doug has spent the last 30 years on a mission to break the land speed record for non-jet propelled vehicles by 100 miles an hour. This goal, 550, is emblazoned on the side of their car.

Yonder experiences and will be forced to deal with a non-consensual up-short sunburn brought on by the salts reflective ferocity.

Salt Flats-functional headwear evaluation is assessed by sizing increments measured in feet rather than inches.

Due to the Salt Flats' granular top-soil consistency, 4-wheel drive becomes necessary to maintain traction when reaching speeds above 350 miles per hour (hard science has yet to determine the precise speed at which the traction gains becomes negligible).

The day’s low point: looking up snow blindness while on the commode in a public restroom in a Flying J travel plaza on the corner of Interstate 80 and the Great Basin Highway in Wells, NV.

Orgiastic Foot Parade.

Observed a uniform collection of cyclists participating in a pointed competition of strength and will. This lively group of enthusiasts cast aside comfort in their pursuit of self-satisfaction and they eschew national tradition by turning right at each one of the course’s four corners. In depth studies of this phenomena may be found at manualforspeed.com in the coming weeks.

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