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November 12, 2015

Dead Reckoning: Syd to Mel Normcore Bicycle Tour Day 00

Bondi Beach

SECTION N^o1 Day 00 Stats & Intro

ADDITIONAL SUPPORT PROVIDED BY

START - STOP: Sydney - Sydney

DISTANCE: We left the Garmin at home.

ELEVATION GAIN: We left the Garmin at home.

RIDING TIME: N/A

TIME AWAKE SPENT IN PURSUIT OF THE TRIP, ROUGHLY: Just enough.

POINTS OF INTEREST / OBJECTIVES: Hitting the green room at Bondi. Taking in the local cuisine. Prepping for the big ride.

CUE SHEET: N/A

WEATHER: Exceedingly pleasant.

We did some research and apparently Americans on vacation in the South Pacific spend a great deal of time & money on sunburns, smoothies and surfing!!!!!!!!!!!!! With that in mind, as well as the need time to acclimate to the Future and the Southern Hemisphere and because, of course, you can’t come to Australia without spending some quality time in the Green Room, we scheduled a day and a night in one of Sydney’s more popular beach town suburbs, Bondi Beach.

What follows is a brief timeline of our prep-day Highlights in Bondi Beach:

10:30am: Arrive at our hotel (more on that in a bit) which hotel was literally ON. THE. BEACH. Roll our padded Normcore bikes up to our rooms. Thanks, Biknd Jetpack, for the wonderful and life affirming post-cardboard travel experience, and for allowing us to feel like fully capable adults. This must be what a savings account or a 401k feels like!
11:15am: Continue charging our old (Mike Cherney!) amulets, begin charging our new (Thomas Nohlin!) amulets.
11:17am: Discover Kevin Frank’s 18 year old HOT COP BOD.
12:30pm: lunch at Speedos Cafe.
1:45pm: hit up the surf shack next to the beach to rent us some boards.
2:15pm: come back to the hotel get our togs on.
3:30pm: Green Room sesh.
5:00pm: Kyle and Franks travel to outer Sydney to get our bikes.
7:00pm: Party shirts and dinner!

SECTION N^o2 Yonder Journo's Dingo Lingo
Presented by Attaquer and narrated by Zoe Jones!

Communication is a KEY component to an effective and efficient investigation of a culture. In order to 1) understand what people are saying, 2) fit in, 3) keep your foot out of your mouth¹¹You won’t make the mistake of telling your wife you’re looking forward to sharing a coupla sluzzas with friends after dinner because you assumed a sluzza was a mixed ice drink not unlike a blended margarita., and 4) demonstrate respect via a willingness and excitement to learn, Yonder Journal collaborated with a team of Australian Linguists and Cultural Anthropologists to create an interactive glossary module of common expressions. Especially those which we’d be likely to hear and/or use in the context of a Normcore Bicycle Tour in the Australian In-and-Outback.

Click the interactive glossary entries below to hear Dingo Lingo in use.

TRADIE : tradesman or blue collar worker, e.g.; plumbers, electricians, construction workers, etc.

TOGS : short pants, e.g.; boardshorts or rugby shorts.

SECTION N^o3 Bondi Beach Chilling

A room with a view. Sorry E.M. Forrester, but as far as we can tell Australia is #tooeasy to echo any level of Edwardian repression.

Amulet X Amulet. Be sure to charge them up before heading out, yah rippers.

"You can't throw a dead stick around here without hitting a sheila."—Anonymous Surf Bro.

D I V E R G E

Basically this is the Aussie version of Sean Connery during his encore performance as James Bond after he stepped back into the role because Roger Moore was making a mockery of the franchise.

Kooked it!

MAJOR SUPPORT PROVIDED BY

FRANKS IN THE GREEN ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SECTION N^o4 Trip Tricks: Day 00
Information & Reviews to Help Make Your Trip Magical

Ravesi’s snuggles right up to the world famous Bondi Beach, and the place exhibits all the prowess of a family backed beachcomber. Featuring a rangy pub on the first floor and rooms for the afterparty above, this might be the perfect place for your next 21st birthday. Even if you don’t plan on having another one anytime soon, the rooms are nice and well-appointed with electrical outlets, TVs, and blackout curtains.

“This place has the unmistakable air of post-pubescent hookups and illicit rendezvous that Axe body spray would kill to capture! From what I can tell, if you’re thinking of hosting a Bachelor or Bachelorette Party in Bondi Beach, you host it at Ravesi’s!!!”—Kyle von Hoetzendorff

“My best mate had his stag party at Ravesi’s. From what I was told it was a night I’ll never forget, but I can’t remember anything that happened. I love you Ravesi’s.”—Craig Southam

“Ravesi’s changed my life. I stayed here over Christmas Holidays and it was like living in a Mark Ronson Video. SWOON.”—May Tipton

You can see the ocean from the window seats. And if you’re not at the window, you can see people who can see the ocean. Speedos has the non-stop hustle you find when locals can’t help themselves and tourists have nothing to lose.

“I wish they gave discounts to blokes wearing budgie smugglers, I don’t leave the house in anything else. I’ll still eat here, but they should really think about a budgie smuggler punch card.”—Garth Headley

“Basically, eating here is a Jimmy Buffet theme park experience, if Jimmy Buffet had hit rock bottom and gone to a yoga/meditation recovery center, coming out with a new lease on life and a thirst for health instead of margaritas. Still, you can’t beat the paradise out of Jimmy Buffet.”—Kyle von Hoetzendorff

“We went to this cafè today. It was ridiculous as we have been waiting for a hour (from 12.06 to 1.07pm) to have a tuna salad! The salad itself was less than average. A bit of lettuce with corns and tuna! I am really disappointed, I believe that this cafe really needs to review its overall management! If you are around I would suggest to have a lunch somewhere else! Bondi doesn’t deserve it.”—Paolo S

Located right off the Bondi Boardwalk on the north end of the beach, this the perfect place start your Australian surf fantasy. They take cards, rent boards and rashguards, and can tell you exactly which direction you need to walk to get to the waves. Tubes not included.

“I came to Bondi with my husband Olaf from Germany to surf. The Welshman’s boards were terrible and the beach is full of people who spend more time working on their tan than they do riding waves. I’d rather be surfing Netflix in Bavaria then these waves on the Welshmans boards.”—Wendy Hautzman

“The way I see it surfing’s about the experience, about you and the wave just getting in tune, so I don’t have a need to own a board. The Welshman’s got the right gear at the right price, and when I’m done hitting the curl I just drop it off at his shack. No need to lug it back to my apartment, no big board getting in the way when I’m playing Wii cricket. Simply stunning.”—Chase Chasner

“We happened upon this shack staffed by a Welshman, who promised to give us our rentals free if we were able to get into the greenroom. #tooeasy. The Bondi greenroom is sick by the way, it really just connects your mind, body, and soul to Mother Ocean, Gaia, and the cosmos at large. Only vaguely shaped like tongue depressors, our boards didn’t offer much in the way of performance. And even though he claimed to have missed our many greenroom sessions, leaving us responsible for payment, I’d still recommend visiting, if for nothing else than his accent.”—Kyle von Hoetzendorff

Address: 39 Hall St, Bondi Beach NSW 2026, Australia | Phone Number: +61 2 9365 7176 | Hours of Operation: M-Th 4pm -12am, Fri 12om -12am, Sat Sun 9am -12am | Email: [email protected] | Price: $$$ | Key Words: Party Shirts, International Staff, Unfortunate Theme

Don’t be fooled, Bondi Hardware doesn’t stock flathead screwdrivers, torx screws, epoxy, copper wiring, drill bits, nails, toilet plungers, garden rakes, duct tape, spray paint, hose clamps, pliers or saw blades. In fact it doesn’t even serve free popcorn. It’s a restaurant, the name being a clever nod to the body as a temple metaphor.

“So me and my boyfriend sit down on one of the outside tables that appeared to be free and awaited a staff member to come and talk to us… We were greeted by an incredibly up himself male who said “are you on the list?” to which we responded with a confused “no?” and he basically just showed us the door. Mate you’re a restaurant not an exclusive club. Good luck with that list of yours.”—Vanessa C

“Our crew went into Bondi Hardware sporting bold, audacious, colorful shirts. Shirts that make a statement. Well, the hostess got the message: ‘We’re all wearing our party shirts are we?’ she remarked with a sad smile; it was obvious she was upset to not be invited to the party, and it was obvious we weren’t about to invite her. Besides, we didn’t even have a party to go to, this was the party, eating here was the party. The food is totally fine, it’s good but not memorable. Like the food wasn’t laid out like an minimalist abstract painting.”—Kyle von Hoetzendorff

“This place is all about sharing and for dinner I ordered a couple tapas plates. Unfortunately I’m not dating anyone at the moment and while there were a few ladies working here that I’d like to get to know, it seemed that they were all busy with a group of loud, middle-aged dudes wearing party shirts. I wouldn’t say the waitresses were into them as much as they were putting up with them. Still, I wanted some attention. Maybe I’ll get on Trip Tricks and look up a party shirt store.”—Pham Phen

SECTION N^o5 DJ David Beckham welcomes you to Yonder Journal's Dead Reckoning: Syd 2 Mel Normcore Bicycle Tour
Featuring sound art and original score by Rebecca Gates.

Yonder Journal is collaborating with legendary soccer (fútbol) player David Beckham to narrate our most recent Dead Reckoning Campaign: a 10-day Normcore Bicycle Tour through the Australian In-Back.

SECTION N^o6 Day 00 Non-Route

Dead Reckoning: Syd to Mel Normcore Bicycle Tour Day 00

SECTION No1 Day 00 Stats & Intro

SECTION No2 Yonder Journo's Dingo Lingo Presented by Attaquer and narrated by Zoe Jones!

SECTION No3 Bondi Beach Chilling

SECTION No4 Trip Tricks: Day 00 Information & Reviews to Help Make Your Trip Magical

SECTION No5 DJ David Beckham welcomes you to Yonder Journal's Dead Reckoning: Syd 2 Mel Normcore Bicycle Tour Featuring sound art and original score by Rebecca Gates.

SECTION No6 Day 00 Non-Route