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November 13, 2015

Dead Reckoning: Syd 2 Mel Normcore Bicycle Tour Days 01-02

Sydney to Moss Vale

SECTION N^o1 Days 01 Stats & Intro

MAJOR SUPPORT PROVIDED BY

START - STOP: Sydney - Wollongong

DISTANCE: 64.6 mi.

ELEVATION GAIN: 2441 ft.

RIDING TIME: 5:04:32

TIME AWAKE SPENT IN PURSUIT OF THE TRIP, ROUGHLY: 8:00:00

POINTS OF INTEREST / OBJECTIVES: Ride to Wollongong. Eat a nifty little breakfast with a healthy dose of coffee. Take photos of and with the unbelievably picturesque Sydney Opera House. Enjoy the serenity of the Royal National Park. Find lodging in Wollongong.

CUE SHEET: KML File Download

WEATHER: T-shirt sunny in Sydney then blustery rain showers as we approached Wollongong, it got cold.

Wherein we ride the Princes Highway from Sydney to Wollongong and experience a brief look at Sydney’s notable sights, an extended tour through Sydney’s industrial suburbs, a wonderful spin through the Royal National Park, some oceanfront pedaling, and do battle for hotel rooms on two fronts with a Judo Tournament and a Tennis Championship.

8:00am: Meet Lachlan. He sets up his bike with a plumb bob and everything. He shoves a pair of running shoes and an extra shirt into his fanny pack. Boy knows how to pack.
8:01am: The weather in Sydney is #BeachPerfect. It breaks the heart to just think of all the green room opportunity we’re going to miss today… or are we?
9:05am: Breakfast at Brown Sugar with Greg and Stevan. Trip-Hop, Eggs, and Amusement.
10:17am: Apparently the Sydney Harbour Bridge is more famous than the Sydney Opera House. At least that’s what we were told. If you ask me it looks like a bridge while that opera house looks like a regatta or a battle tortoise or stack of toe nail clippings.
10:55am: We stopped by Greg’s shop, Wheelhaus Bicycle Boutique, and had a Coke.
11:00am: To the best of our knowledge we had entered Sydney’s Industrial Sprawl.
11:05am: Stevan & Greg were surging, maybe it was because they were fitter than us, maybe it was because they knew the terrain—or maybe it was because they weren’t damaged by jetleg and carrying an additional forty pounds? The best possible answer is that they were Fartlek Training and just trying to do right by their regimens.
11:47am: We are decidedly on the Princes Highway. The Princes Highway is decidedly a highway.
12:45pm: The first of what will be many, many roadside convenience store stops. Popsicles are the out and out favorite among the Normcore crew at this stop.
2:07pm: Dropping into the Royal National Park on a road colloquially known as “Waterfall”. The locals tell us it’s here, where the riding gets good and relatively traffic-free, that most group rides turn around. Which is to say they just want to ride in the industrial wastelands. Which is to say they are savages.
2:08pm to 1:45pm: Insanely pleasant riding on quiet roads in the Royal National Park. It was jungle raining but so what!
2:47pm: A small mechanical forces us to really appreciate a vista over the South Pacific.
3:10pm: Stop into a cafe on the coast for a middy¹¹Midday beer, typically 10oz/285ml or some coffee. They’re closed for the afternoon.
3:45pm: Stop at a the RSL Club in Coledale and doff our caps. Engage in some light flirtation with a saucy cadre of local cougars.
4:15pm: Make a brief pit stop at a bike shop to finalize repairs. Nothing doing.
4:16pm: Bid Farewell to Greg & Stevan, they’ll be catching the train back to Sydney.
4:17pm: It’s still raining.
4:18pm: We’re back on Princes Highway, it’s still a highway and has all that highway stuff, but sometimes it’s by the coast which is cool.
5:04pm to 5:55pm: Turns out that there is both a Judo Tournament and and Tennis Competition happening in Wollongong this weekend and the town is booked, like really booked.
5:04pm to 5:55pm: It’s raining and starting to get dark. We’re huddled around Lachlan’s phone on a sidewalk in Wollongong.
5:56pm: The Wollongong Surf Leisure Resort has room for us!!!!
6:46pm: Order delivery from Manjit’s. If you find yourself in Wollongong do your body a favor and eat at Manjit’s.
7:15pm to Z:ZZpm: Eat Manjit’s, watch TV, pass out.

SECTION N^o2 Yonder Journo's Dingo Lingo
Presented by Attaquer and narrated by Danni Jackson!

Communication is a KEY component to an effective and efficient investigation of a culture. In order to 1) understand what people are saying, 2) fit in, 3) keep your foot out of your mouth²²You won’t make the mistake of telling your wife you’re looking forward to sharing a coupla sluzzas with friends after dinner because you assumed a sluzza was a mixed ice drink not unlike a blended margarita., and 4) demonstrate respect via a willingness and excitement to learn, Yonder Journal collaborated with a team of Australian Linguists and Cultural Anthropologists to create an interactive glossary module of common expressions. Especially those which we’d be likely to hear and/or use in the context of a Normcore Bicycle Tour in the Australian In-and-Outback.

Click the interactive glossary entries below to hear Dingo Lingo in use.

SERVO : gas station.

RIPPERS : superb, really great, i.e. to “rip”.

BONZER : remarkable.

PUNTING ON THE DISH LICKERS : betting on dogs in a dog race.

UTE MUSTER : an Australian festival which brings together large numbers of utes and their owners.

UTE : a car/pickup truck hybrid, sort of like a Subaru Brat or El Camino but not quite; short for utility vehicle.

B&S BALL : redneck prom.

SECTION N^o3 Sydney

The concierge at Ravesi’s wanted our Koala Amulet. Sorry lady, we know they’re cute but they’re not for sale. Or are they..?

Beards, who wore it better: Stevan (L) or Kyle (R)? Send your vote to [email protected]!

Mile 5.5

Blue Room… who's heard of the blue room? Oh hey look that fantastic toenail clipping building—and WOW, what a bridge!!!

Greg Chalberg practicing to become what the world would call a “lensman”.

Lachlan is a pro, isn't it obvious? Just look at this image. All the amateurs have their feet on the ground, but not Lachy. Pros don’t fux with that tripod game.

SECTION N^o4 Depressing Industrial Ride

Mile 18

This is a Carla. She owns six condos in a beachfront complex in South Sydney and she’s recently taken up collecting curios. She has two Cocker Spaniels: one named Trixie the other named Flinga (because she flings spit in every direction when she’s excited). Carla is recently divorced from a man whose name she’d prefer not to say. For the past 12 years she’s been battling a particularly virulent strain of toenail fungus she picked up while vacationing in Bali. She won’t wear open-toed shoes and she thinks having tennis shoes on at the beach is a major reason she hasn’t been able to meet a new man.

Mile 29

Foxes are a menace in Australia and in addition to that it seems that they have yet to really get a hang of the whole “playing in traffic” thing.

Mile 31

Hey, Kevin Franks is a boss. Not just a boss back in the States in real life, he’s actually a boss in Australia on vacation. Here he is making deals, calling shots and coordinating assets on the side of a highway in the middle of a ride just before we drop into “Waterfall.”

SECTION N^o5 The Royal National Park

Mile 34

Mile 40

It wouldn’t be a Dead Reckoning adventure with out a little shake-up on the first day. It was only a slight bummer (in the end we found a solution), and looking back this was a great team-building experience. Just look at that Koala, does he seem worried?

D I V E R G E

You’ve got to watch out for the sun down here, especially if you have pale skin. Gingers beware. #SlipSlopSlap

I haven’t done any research on these pools built into the landscape, but I reckon they're designed to trap tiger sharks for training purposes. They must be for locals to get into a controlled and known environment where they can familiarize themselves with nuances of the tiger shark's predatory movements before graduating to the tiger’s natural environment, the ocean.

Sunset, anytime.

This is what the Diverge is all about, its about re-imagining what can be done on a road bike. Grass? ✓

SECTION N^o6 Wollongong

Mile 63

Would yah look at this Don right here?

Marshmallow-flavored Tevas with that Red Hots trim.

We called Manjit's with pangs of hunger running through our bodies. We needed to eat and when the ordering was done the tally included seven curries, four sides of rice, two tandoori chickens, and like three or four other things. We asked the lady at the other end of the line, "Hey do you think that’s enough for four people?" To which she said, 'You’ve ordered seven curries sir?" We didn’t need the guff but maybe she was right, maybe we were ordering too much.

In the end we finished it all, even all of the rice. We weren’t out to prove anything, it wasn’t like we going to call up Manjit’s and say, “Hey just so you know, like an FYI, we finished all seven of those curries, and we finished all the other shit too, so maybe you should stop it with the haughty attitude. But please don’t stop what you’re doing to those curries!"

SECTION N^o7 Day 02 Stats & Intro

START - FINISH: Wollongong - Bowral

DISTANCE: 64.6 mi

ELEVATION GAIN: 5552 ft.

RIDING TIME: 4:11:34

TIME AWAKE SPENT IN PURSUIT OF THE TRIP, ROUGHLY: 7:00:00

POINTS OF INTEREST / OBJECTIVES: Ride to Bowral. Visit Jamberoo. Eat food along the way. Hang out with some Koala Bears. Take some great pictures. Get recognized on the road and sign autographs.

CUE SHEET: KML File Download

WEATHER: Pretty much cold and wet all day, as in put on all the riding clothes you brought with you cold. As in Lachlan and Kevin bought rain jackets in “the gonger” cold.

A sad, cold ocean rain forestalls any hope of a visit to Jamberoo, one of Australia’s best waterparks. We take our coffee on the beach, climb a hideously steep road, have pies with a young Anthony Kiedis, and find dancing to Hotline Bling in a country pub before spending the night lodged in a bunker.

9:15am: Lachlan goes for a swim in the forbidden waters off of the Wollongong Surf Leisure Resort. We don’t know why it was closed but we suspect Tiger Sharks.
9:23am: Final bicycle repairs take place in the Surf Leisure Car park; cheerful but unsolicited advice is received from a smoking Surf Leisure neighbor.
9:45am: Back along the beach towards a oceanfront breakfast.
9:46am: Wollongong is playing host to a Beach Comp this morning, so we spectate.
9:50am: Breakfast at Diggies. We’d seen this place the day before (in the midst of our hotel quest) and, to use the parlance of our time, we dropped a pin. Because who doesn’t want to enjoy a tidy little breakfast on the beach while some nippers in their budgy smugglers test their mettle for the chance to compete in the ultimate lifeguarding crucible, the Coolangatta Gold. It’s like having eggs and toast in Nero’s coliseum, only the the amount of flayed Christians and punctured Gladiators is nothing compared to the olden days.
10:30am: On the road to Jamberoo.
11:45am: Stop at the Delicia Convenience Store.
12:12pm: Pass the turnoff to Jamberoo. The road is flooded, so we’re having a water park experience for free!
12:13pm–2:45pm: Jamberoo Pass. This road is SO steep; there are sections where it feels like you’re staring at blackboard in detention hall or the black monolith from 2001 rising in front of your wheel.
12:14pm: Did I mention it was raining? Yep, it was raining. But instead of the pitter patter we dealt with in Wollongong, the rain in Jamberoo pass had a strong jungle/flash flood vibe.
12:17pm: We see a koala warning sign.
12:17pm to 2pm: The crew (except for Lachlan) maintains hyper-vigilance in our search for koalas.
2pm-ish: The crew (including Lachlan) comes to the realization that no koala in their right mind would be out having a holiday in this monsoon.
3:03pm: We rendezvous at Robertson Pie Shop where the obviously below-working-age girl behind the counter has done her hair in long thin braids à la Anthony Kiedis from Blood Sugar Sex Magic. The braids apparently don’t improve fluency with the cash machine.
3:56pm: Fear of going back out into the cold and finishing our ride into Bowral.
4:40pm: It’s actually not raining and the riding is kind of pleasant.
5:30pm: We arrive at the Bowral Pub & Hotel. Lachlan bets on the dish lickers while we check in.
5:32pm: He wins.
5:33pm: He buys a round of Carlton Draughts with his winnings.
6:17pm: Cold showers in the Bowral Pub & Hotel Bunker.
6:45pm: Dinner at Bowral Thai.
8pm: Party hopping on the Bowral Strip.
11pm-ish: Lachlan requests Hotline Bling and the Dance Floor LIGHTS UP!!!!
12am-ish: We get back to the Hotel Bunker and Kyle discovers someone else’s blood on the frames of his glasses and on his shorts. Kyle does not know how he collected this forensic evidence, or what it’s evidence of.
12pm-ish: The group comes to the simple conclusion that WILD shit goes down in Bowral.

SECTION N^o8 Wollongong, The Next Day

Lachlan went swimming here. Apparently he’s already gone through Tiger Shark training.

Dude in the red is the epitome of an arm chair mechanic. His advice game was unreal.

This is a ute. Basically an Australian El Camino/Ranchero/Brat. These babies are everywhere and they’re frequently tricked out. I wonder if the Fast and Furious franchise is going to do an sequel in Oz? I’d really love to see how Ludacris would deck out his whip.

Mile 64

AGAIN with the Diverging. #PRO #PRO #PRO #PRO #PRO.

Tiger shark training graduation day. Its pretty straightforward, those who don’t come back, don’t graduate.

“Whose gonna win it for your fatha,” became a trip meme, one of those phrases that substitutes for actual thought and sentiment when something needs to be said but there is nothing to say.

Mile 77

This is the Delicia Convenience store. Kevin is smiling because we just saw a young woman with an interesting tattoo.

by Kyle von Hoetzendorff A Delicia Convenience Store Story

“I actually didn’t go into the Delicia; I wasn’t in need of any convenience at the moment, despite the convenience of the Delicia. Instead I, found it more convenient to hang out under the awning of the Delicia and think about the cold rain, which we hadn’t expected, which we thought we had left at home in Portland, OR, which was going to force me to put on all the riding gear that I had brought, and which was going to soak me to the bone and grind my gears (both literally and figuratively). While I stood there thinking about cold rain a girl walked past. She was wearing jeans with a hole torn in them mid-thigh, and peeking out was a pair of monstrous green eyes set in a purple goblin’s face. The sight was both deeply curious and abjectly repugnant at the same time. Why the face of a purple goblin? Why mid thigh? Did she rip all of her jeans in the same spot? What about her ski pants? Were there other faces in other places? Was the intent of this to scare predators (like dogs or five-year-olds) with eyes at thigh level? I never got the chance to ask.”

Mile 102

SANCTUARY. The pies were tasty, the coffee was burnt but hot, and they allowed us to sit there, dripping cold rainwater all over their floor.

Mile 106

SECTION N^o9 Bowral

Mile 119

Moments before the dance floor caught fire and blood literally started to spill.

♫ You used to call me on my cell phone ♫

SECTION N^o10 Day 01-02 Trip Tricks

Address: 106 Curlewis St, Bondi NSW 2026, Australia | Phone Number: +61 2 9130 1566 | Hours of Operation: Closed M, Tu-W 6:30pm to 12am, F-Su 8:30am - 2:30pm & 6:30pm - 12am | Email: n/a | Price: $$ | Key Words: Tables, Chairs, Windows

Breakfast place that according to converts to late night joint cocktail joint. Located a good distance away from the beach. Also a good distance from the Bondi Beach crowds. Comes with all the tables, chairs, and windows needed to serve you the cocktails you need and seat you with a hangover the next day. Keep an ear out for the downtempo and glitch pop.

“There were six of us in cycling kit that came in for breakfast and the staff didn’t bat an eye. So either they’re used to seeing dudes dressed in skin-tight costumes complete with padded diapers or they’re dead to the world; either way the eggs and spinach hash was delightful and our bikes didn’t get stolen from the tree out front we leaned them against, so this place was a perfect way to start the day’s ride.”—Kyle von Hoetzendorff

“It was a great breakfast experience, although I had a massive hangover. We went for my birthday at 8:30 a.m. on a Sunday -no queue if you get there early-, and I had the pancakes with bacon, bananas, strawberries, and syrup. And it was sublime. The coffee is delicious, and the service is amazing; it’s the first time in my life that a waitress notices that I don’t have enough syrup, and offers to bring more without me saying a word. I already have the craves for more Brown Sugar.”—Camilo M

A major highway that outlines the southeastern elbow of Australia.

“We rode bikes on this highway. There was a lot of debris on the shoulder, which as cyclists is our allotted space to ride. And by debris I mean dead animals. Our path was littered with dead animals. On the bright side, the vehicles constantly rushing past us created a consistent breeze that kept the smell of the carcasses from becoming overwhelming.”—Kyle von Hoetzendorff

“I drive the Princes Highway daily, it’s part of my commute into Sydney. It’s not so bad, though I’d rather not be on it. But I’d rather not have been born with red hair. I guess having red hair is like driving on the Prince’s highway: not so bad until you notice all the dead carcasses.”—Jilly Venz

Address: 731 Lawrence Hargrave Drv, Coledale NSW 2515, Australia | Phone Number: +61 2 4267 1873 | Hours of Operation: n/a - Or whenever they damn well feel like it. | Email: n/a | Price: $ | Key Words: Doff Your Hat, Respect, Local Flavor

Australian Veterans bar. Non-veterans are welcome. Show some respect.

“It was made known to us newbies that if and when you go into an RSL, you doff your hat as a sign of respect. I didn’t make it into the place, my beer was ordered for me, but I doffed my hat just in case. The place had all the fixings of a really good American dive bar, there was nothing too polished about the joint. This is a place for memories and tales, for swilling beer and shooting the shit. Despite being obvious outsiders the locals raised a glass and toasted to our good health. I’d come back.”—Kyle von Hoetzendorff

“Love this great little vintage R.S.L.The bistro meal are great value ,fish and chip,salad $12 along with veg burgers,wraps .Salt and pepper calamari really good too great views and outdoor seating too.The lady that runs the bistro has worked there for some time and takes great pride in her restaurant”—Jules Tilly

This is a fun-for-the-whole-family all-inclusive leisure resort. Beach access, indoor swimming pool, onsite cafe, even a miniature golf course. If you’re looking for a place to stay in Wollongong and every motel and hotel you call has no vacancy because there are tennis and judo tournaments in town, be sure to check this place out.

“Stayed here just for one night only in a two bedrooms cabin. The room is not clean and with lot of dust on the floor and the dinning table. Moreover, the bath area is “unbelievable” small, I think people with more than +80KG weight will not able to enjoy a good shower. Also, WiFi signal was non existent. Other than that, the room setting is good and spacious. The resort location is good and close to the beach. The Resort also has lots of facilities includes coffee shops, playground, tennis, indoor pool …..”—Jack Tooms

“Just want to thank the front office staff. Due to an emergency operation on a family member we had to find accommodation. Wollongong was at capacity. Tiffany took our original enquiry and explained that she could only accommodate us for two nights. Yet, in the same breath asked us to wait to see if she could rearrange bookings. She came back and had managed to get us three nights! We were so pleased and thankful at her effort and empathy. Likewise, Della and her colleague that checked us in on Wednesday 20th January are to be applauded too. They were both bright, bubbly and friendly. We do hope that the Manager will pass on our admiration to all three staff members. They are all an asset to Wollongong Surf Leisure Resort. We’re looking forward to returning in the near future under more positive circumstances. Congratulations, and thank you again to Tiffany and the girls.”—Barbara Adams

“I’m a steep road. I have a sign warning you of Koala Bears, but don’t worry you won’t see them, in fact you won’t see them at all during your entire trip. If it helps I have switchbacks and I really am a rad road to climb. I don’t see a lot of traffic and I kinda wind my way through a scenic area, so even though you’ll miss the koalas the serenity is nice.”

“I’ve been down on this road once, my tree had run out of leaves and I was getting might cranky. So I ambled across the damn thing, to tell you the truth I didn’t like the foot feel, too bloody hard. But I could see a dream tree across the way and I needed to get there and when I did the buzz from those leaves was magnificent.”—A Koala

“My big sister died on this road. She was buzzed out of her mind on the Euc and stumbled in front of pretty sick ute. It hit the family hard.”—Another Koala

Address: 4400 Illawarra Hwy, Robertson NSW 2577, Australia | Phone Number: +61 2 4885 1330 | Hours of Operation: Weekdays 7:30am to 7:00pm, Weekends 8:00am to 7:00pm | Email: n/a | Price: $$ | Key Words: Savory, Sweet, Shelter

Located at the top of Jamberoo Pass, Robertson Pie Shop is a regional favorite. They have a wide variety of both savory and sweet pies, and almost every type of soft and energy drink imaginable. Perfect recovery food if you’ve just cycled up a wall while being buffeted by a monsoon.

“They’ve got an 11 year old girl working here that looks exactly like Anthony Kiedis’ from Point Break. She’s got the blonde dreadlocks and everything.”—Jackie Tilden

“We saw the Anthony Kiedis girl too. MENTAL. Also because of the monsoon we ordered the coffee, not so great. But the savory pies were wonderful. I would’ve had one even without the monsoon!”—Kyle von Hoetzendorff

“Have been to this pie shop a number of times. The pies are nice although I have never tried their desert pies. All the varieties of meat pies which taste ok but I don’t think anything to write home about for the price. What has really put me off this venue now is the last time I ate here I had a small piece of solid plastic in my meat pie of which they could not really give a valid reason of how it got in the pie. Up to the individual to choose to eat here as it is always busy. I am not sure if that is due to the food or being a midpoint or meeting point for travelers since it as the top of Macquarie pass.”—Ralph V

Address: 412 Bong Bong St, Bowral NSW 2576, Australia | Phone Number: +61 2 4862 2646 | Hours of Operation: Open in the morning, closed late at night. | Email: [email protected] | Price: $$ | Key Words: Betting, Bachelorette Parties, Beer

Centrally located in historic Bowral, the Bowral Hotel & Pub is the city’s ‘happening’ spot. From the series of big screens for your sports spectating pleasure to the disco dance floor for bustin’ a move, this is the place to cut loose in Bowral! Passing through, or maybe ya drank too much, and need to stay the night? No worries, we’ve got a concrete bunker behind the pub that stays as damp inside as it is outside. No need for a humidifier!

“I’m on a blasted stinking diet so eating out can get tricky. This place had a salmon salad full of yummy goodness but organised so I could avoid what had to be avoided. Husband had a tasty steak sandwich. We ate with a direct view of the beach. Very nice.”—Greg Duvers

“From what I can tell, our rooms were formerly used by prisoners sent to Bowral on some agrarian koala farming program. Spartan to say the least, but the showers spit water (some of which was hot) and the bed had blankets (some of which held heat). One of our two rooms had a functional heater, and both rooms had wet cinderblock walls. Still, it was a place to sleep. But we didn’t rush into it: our crew hit the town. There was another pub down the street capturing the early evening crowd, but it thinned fairly quickly. By this point we’d had a few Carlton Draughts, so Lachlan and I hit the dance floor. What a night!”—Kyle von Hoetzendorff

Located across the street from the infamous Bowral Pub, Bowral Thai serves up the region’s tastiest Thai cuisine. Not only that, but the restaurant is adorned with art, antiques, and relics to create a bright and festive atmosphere that’s a feast for the eyes as much as the food is a feast for the mouth, stomach, digestive tract, etc. This place is really a feast for the whole body.

“WOW…..what a wonderful surprise..after reading a ‘dissapointing’ (yes I know spelling mistake) recent review, as visitors we really wanted to give the restaurant a go. We weren’t disappointed by any means. The Thai cuisine was THE best I have ever tasted. Fresh spicy flavours. I had the fish Jungle curry…superb. We will visit again before leaving and Thank you to all the young staff, so attentive and obliging.”—Jane Brown

“If the food and vibe were worse we might have stolen something, like a little momento. There was so much bric-a-brac I doubt they would’ve missed it. To be clear we’re not a thieving crew, in fact I can tell you the last time I stole something was a pack of Bubbalicious Cherry Coke gum from the Safeway in Mammoth Lakes, CA when I was six years old. Really the discourse about theft at the table was our way of complimenting all the amazing shit flooding our eyes from every direction. Most notable was a series of psychedelic paintings in a Stations of the Cross motif buttressed by statues, sculptures, and ephemera covering every usable space. It was a thrilling visual experience—without being claustrophobic.”—Kyle von Hoetzendorff

SECTION N^o11 Day 01 & 02 Route

Day 01: Sydney to Wollongong

Day 02: Wollongong to Bowral

Dead Reckoning: Syd 2 Mel Normcore Bicycle Tour Days 01-02

SECTION No1 Days 01 Stats & Intro

SECTION No2 Yonder Journo's Dingo Lingo Presented by Attaquer and narrated by Danni Jackson!

SECTION No3 Sydney

SECTION No4 Depressing Industrial Ride

SECTION No5 The Royal National Park

SECTION No6 Wollongong

SECTION No7 Day 02 Stats & Intro

SECTION No8 Wollongong, The Next Day