Club Macho Ep. 02: 1-Trakking in Sedona, AZ
SECTION No1 Introduction
In a continuation of Yonder Journal’s quest to understand the furthest reaches of American Contemporary Bike Hobo culture we have continued our work with ultimate vibez personality and 1-trak connoisseur Benedict “Poppi” Wheeler. Recently Poppi traveled to the tantric tanner’s paradise of Sedona, AZ where he sampled some of the nation’s hottest 1-trak and fulfilled his personal prophecy of becoming the Chosen One. In this latest installment of Club Macho you can also expect Poppi to take you vortex hopping while giving you a step-by-step breakdown of what it takes to make it as a popular celestial cult co-opt in the beautiful burnt red land of Sedona.I’m still typing everything on my non tablet phone. i apologize for the lack of capitalization. wanna meet up after class so you can punish me?”- Poppi
1-Trakking in Sedona by Poppi
Track that’s single and ready to mingle is the USA’s #1-15 greatest contributions to the world. No other country comes close to the dirty waves you can surf in our country’s voluminous MTB Meccas, most notably those of the ever enchanted Southwest.
Sedona, Arizona, in addition to being quartz crystal-bedazzled with primø 1-trakk, is somewhat of a red rock Disneyland for retired golfers, Walmart new agers and Jeep tour enthusiasts alike. So you could probably invite your grandma and maybe get a free trip out of it. While she’s out getting her hip chakra adjusted, you could be out getting tuuuubed in the red room alllll day!!!!
Below I’ve listed a few of the ways to help ensure your grandma’s disagreeable tacky side of Sedona doesn’t get in the way of your personal 2-wheeled moon horse voyage between dimensions.
- Camping – Yer first gonna want to find a scenic and secluded base camp. This is pretty easy to do if yer camping off yer bike, but if you have a corporate sponsor who bought you a car, you’ll be needing something semi-legal. I’d recommend the National Forest land on Boyton Pass Rd. just beyond the groomer Aarie trails. It’s about 9.064542 miles from the Natural Grocers, who conveniently have the best yogürt selection in town. You can stay here for 2 weeks legally, have fires, shoot refrigerators, etc.
- Uptown Sedona – Stay away from Uptown Sedona at ALL COSTS… it’s confusing and you need to keep your focus on the vortexual red waves of 1-trakk. Your grandma, however, will love it.
- Pink Jeeps – They will try their best to jade you out. Don’t let them get to you. Buy some Oakley Thumps and play a sound wave MP3 that cancels out the frequency of Jeep engines and their insipid passengers. Check the Club Macho MySpace for an MP3 download.
- The Hangover Trail – Shralp some red cabbage on the iconic Hangover trail. This trail is beyond whacked out, and perhaps a parachute would be more appropriate than a helmet if you OTB it, but its stunning views and 8th wonder of the world bench cut 1-trakk make it an instant classic.
- Bike & Bean – Bike and Bean is the best shoppe in town. They took me out for my first Sedona surf sesh on elastomered Pro-Flexes back in 1997, that’s how rootsy those dudes are. Well, they’re all dropper posters now, but rest assured, they won’t bully you like all the other shops.
- Whole Foods – Go to Whole Foods to use Internet and charge yer Instagram machine. This is also a great place to solicit yerself into a communal living scenario. Recent studies suggest that Whole Foods was not built only for SUV yoga moms who actually spend money there, but more for its easily exploitable resources and the communal dirt bags who exploit said resources. So go ahead and charge yer vape pen and use the complimentary lavender wipes to clean yer junk.
- Whole Foods Diving – It’s cliché, but they also leave their dumpsters unlocked. Clean yer junk after that for sure. Met a lot of #cool people who smelled like lavender this way.
- Celestial Seasonings – Get your aura photo taken. Be sure to always look directly at the lens and make a pouty face. Mine kept coming up excelsior blue… go figure…
Cult Living in Sedona by @ultraromance
Do you like communes? Ever wondered what surreptitious talking stick merrymaking go-ith on-ith behind the veil of naked hippies in the woods but always thought your hair was too short? …well, you needn’t have a red rock camo tan, or a dry look lion’s mane to read poetry, so I’ll illuminate you with my personal journeys on the other side of society.
- Fires – I lit A LOT of fires. I tend to do that anyway, but it’s just so easy to light fires in the desert, so why not light even more fires? Well, you can probably think of a few reasons, but that’s not the attitude to have if you want to become a prominent cult superintendent. The fires and smoke tended to bring people from outlying BLM kingdoms, and many of them stayed on to become prominent citizens! The fires at night also create the most righteous stage for long existential talking stick jam sessions, where I can regale the denomination while backlit by a fire burning brightly behind me. This is why one side of my hair is now an inch shorter than the other.
- Clif Bars – Due to the philanthropy of my sponsor, 2 boxes containing enough Builder’s MAX bars to build a medieval walled city were shipped to a remote location for pick up. Once introduced, this protein rich currency became an aristocratic bargaining tool, further sustaining life and musculature within the commune. How many Clif Bar Builder MAX bars can be consumed in 1 day you might be asking? Todd, an ageless saronged evangelical on a dirt bike, ate 4 in the span of 30 minutes. Come to think… I don’t think we ever saw him again after that.
- Leather bars – Still no leather bars… 🙁
Afterword: On Craigslist Rider Share Tours by Be'ne
After my fortnight among the enchanting people whom had grown so dear to me, it was time to migrate north to the 1 trak beneath the melting snow of southwestern Colorado. I had arranged a Craigslist ride share tour in a Westfalia with a fellow pillar of the community. So with heavy hearts burning magnesium hot, we bid the Boyton Pass Commune farewell with plans of another rendezvous next year when our travels coalesced once again. We left with them the remaining Builder MAX currency and a final pile of combustible material gathered from within a 2 mile radius, then we pulled out like my ex-wife’s father should have 54 years ago.
Ride Share Touring can be more reliable than hitching, just be sure you pick one with a reliable vehicle. Westfalias are about as reliable as a screen door on a submarine, and when all was said and done we spent more time riding in the tow truck. I could have ridden to Durango faster, but what’s the point when yer reveling in the palpable excitement of a Ride Share Tour!?